Well after spending yesterday's early morning hours hypomanic and then the rest of the day in a mixed episode (which I'm not sure if I can call it that because it was only a day) I'm back to being depressed. I have no motivation so I've been spending my time on crazyboards trying to distract myself. People are always sympathetic to my situation there, on the boards and in chat.
When I called my psychiatrist's office on Friday they told me he was on vacation and the psychiatrist overseeing his cases told me to go back down to the lower dose I was on. I told them that would be a problem because I only have capsules that I can't split. They called me in a script for tablets and I'm just supposed to take them until I can talk to my psychiatrist on Monday. Here's the good part, they called the tablets in Friday afternoon and I didn't notice until 6:30 when it was time to take one that they only gave me a script for two pills. That's two pills for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I swear these people...grumble, grumble. So now I think I'm going to have to split the remaining tablet for today and Sunday. I've heard people talk about the bad withdrawal symptoms and I'm hoping splitting it will keep that from happening.
I guess the only good thing that came out of it was that I'm no longer having the mixed symptoms. I really didn't think it would work because we've always used a PRN antipsychotic to bring me down. I'm not very excited about talking this over with my psychiatrist on Monday because I feel like since I started seeing him things have gone downhill. He doesn't seem to have very many ideas on how to handle my symptoms. I'm thinking about asking to go on depakote. I know some people have horrible side effects but some people don't and I hear it's one of the best things to take for a mood stabilizer.
I am going to see a neurologist at the University of Iowa next week to talk about going on Topamax because I think it will keep my headaches/migraines away and it really cuts out your appetite. I also need to talk to them about something to take if I get a migraine because I just can't take the Imitrex anymore. It just makes me way sick.
I have a regular doc's appointment on Tuesday for my yearly exam (yay - sarcasm) and I might talk to them about going on something called Metformin which is supposed to help with the weight gain caused by antipsychotics. If they are willing to give me that I think I will keep the propranolol for migraines and forget about the Topamax.
I had been talking to my ex and he told me he still loves me and misses me. That was a week ago and he's no longer talking to me. Figures, right? Definitely does not help with my mood.
All I want is to crawl back into bed and stay there, ugh.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A Little Better Today
I am actually feeling a little better today. I'm not out of the woods yet and I don't know if this will last but I do feel a little better. I got out of bed after only going back to sleep once. I actually wanted to get out of bed. I haven't wanted to get out of bed in awhile. I did go back to bed after initially getting up, but only once. I even caught myself smiling while petting the cat. And, get this, I even walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes.
Yesterday was really hard to get through so I'm a little worried about the sudden change. Mania, although it sounds nice, is not the best thing for me. Especially because I get paid soon and who knows what I would spend my check on.
My psychiatrist's office finally called me back today and called in a script for cogentin for me to take in the morning and at night. It's helping some, but not completely. Hopefully the increase of my venlafaxine to 75mg tomorrow and a few more days on the cogentin will help.
I also called around trying to find group therapy of some kind. No luck. I guess there's no place around here that does group therapy. It sucks because I really do well in group therapy. I thought there might be at least a STEPS group.
Yesterday was really hard to get through so I'm a little worried about the sudden change. Mania, although it sounds nice, is not the best thing for me. Especially because I get paid soon and who knows what I would spend my check on.
My psychiatrist's office finally called me back today and called in a script for cogentin for me to take in the morning and at night. It's helping some, but not completely. Hopefully the increase of my venlafaxine to 75mg tomorrow and a few more days on the cogentin will help.
I also called around trying to find group therapy of some kind. No luck. I guess there's no place around here that does group therapy. It sucks because I really do well in group therapy. I thought there might be at least a STEPS group.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Slipping Deeper into Depression
My depression has been getting worse and worse. It's now to the point where I will do almost anything to stay in bed and am only spending 6-8 hrs a day out of bed.
I am having akathisia (restlessness, feeling like you have to move) as a side effect of either the Saphris, the venlafaxine, or both. I'm taking benedryl as my doc has advised me to and am taking my left of clonazepam as well but it doesn't seem to be helping. It just gives me one more reason to want to lay in bed.
I have a laundry list of coping skills but I can't seem to get the motivation to do any of them. I even bought and started a puzzle, but now I won't touch it. I keep thinking about exercising but I just can't force myself to do it. I was going to print off coloring sheets but it's the same problem as the rest. Even concentrating on typing this is almost too much.
I'm going to call my psychiatrist's office tomorrow and tell them how bad things are getting and ask them if they have any group therapy that I could get into. I've always thrived in group therapy.
I am having akathisia (restlessness, feeling like you have to move) as a side effect of either the Saphris, the venlafaxine, or both. I'm taking benedryl as my doc has advised me to and am taking my left of clonazepam as well but it doesn't seem to be helping. It just gives me one more reason to want to lay in bed.
I have a laundry list of coping skills but I can't seem to get the motivation to do any of them. I even bought and started a puzzle, but now I won't touch it. I keep thinking about exercising but I just can't force myself to do it. I was going to print off coloring sheets but it's the same problem as the rest. Even concentrating on typing this is almost too much.
I'm going to call my psychiatrist's office tomorrow and tell them how bad things are getting and ask them if they have any group therapy that I could get into. I've always thrived in group therapy.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Worsening Depression, BPD, and CBT
My depression has gotten steadily worse so I called my doctor and they switched my antidepressant. I'm now taking venlafaxine HCL (Effexor). I started my first dose yesterday and so far only my sleep is interupted. I was a little worried I would become manic because I had read in a couple reviews that other people have. Not to mention it has happened with other medications in the past. I'm not terribly excited that in most cases it takes a month to work. I'm pretty sure things are going to get worse before they get better. I'm already crying at the littlest hint of emotion. If I could convince my brain to sleep all day, that's exactly what I would do.
I bought a puzzle in an attempt to give myself something to focus on. So far I've got some of the edge pieces together. I've been spending time on a forum called Crazy Boards. Here's a link to their site:
http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/
It helps me to feel not so alone when I read other people's experiences with depression. I pretty much am alone here, except Monty, so it's hard not to feel that way. They have a great thread about what makes you feel better when you're depressed and it reminded me that there are things I can do while I'm waiting for the meds to work. Now I've just got to convince myself to do them. I keep working myself up for exercise but I can't quite get over the edge to doing it. Maybe this afternoon... It doesn't help that the computer won't transfer to the TV. I used to put YouTube videos up and do them but now the computer won't cooperate.
I talked to my ex last night. He said that he misses me and that I need to come back to Cedar Rapids. It made me start thinking about what kind of life I have here. It's comfortable in that I don't have to worry that I don't have a computer or TV or car, I just have to work on getting them. It's lonely, however, in that I don't have much contact with anyone but my doctors, therapist, and Monty (and the cat). I wonder if it would be better for me to be somewhere I have contact with people more. But then I remember when I was in Cedar Rapids I didn't exactly let people in. Not to mention that I don't want anyone to see me like this, before I lose weight, especially my ex. Plus, I know Monty likes having me here, for the most part, and I don't want to upset him by leaving. Really, moving back isn't an option, no matter how much I wish it was. It's a "grass is greener" type thing.
I have also thought about getting my services back. I most likely won't because I don't want to admit that I was wrong about not needing them. It would be nice to have another standing appointment so I have some reason to get out of bed. I hope to get into a routine so that I do have a reason to get out of bed. I hope that routine will include exercise which leads to a shower every day. My hygiene tends to get a little lax when I am depressed, but if I'm all sweaty I won't have a choice. It's hard for me to write out a schedule because I don't know how the new medication is going to effect me. That's prolly just a well thought out excuse, but it's true. I should prolly just make a tentative schedule and try to stick to it. It would help if my motivation wasn't gone.
I wrote to my friend Nathan when my neuropathic pain was pretty bad and I haven't heard back. I wrote another letter that I'm going to send today. It's possible that he never got it or that he's just been too busy to write back. It just makes me worry about if I'm annoying him with my letters. I have an issue with thinking I'm annoying everyone and everyone hates me. I think it's part of my borderline personality disorder. I hate those thoughts because most of the time people's actions have nothing to do with me.
It's like when I was having trouble with the side effects of the Saphris (crashing in the morning) and Monty lashed out at me after a bad day at work. I automatically started thinking I had to move out of here, that he hated me. I felt like the worst person in the world. Then he apologized and explained he had had a bad day at work and I was better in an instant. BPD I think makes relationships harder than any of the symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder. The psychosis and severe mood changes come and go but my thought patterns are hard to identify and change.
I try to be aware of my thoughts in order to use my CBT skills to help change them, but it's not easy. Using positive self talk is hard to do when you are so convinced of something negative. I'm struggling with my being on disability and seeing no end to it. I feel like I've failed at everything I ever wanted to do. I try to reframe that thought into believing I can make new goals to achieve, but the thought that I failed is just so deep in there that it's hard to turn around. I miss CBT therapy because I really enjoy group therapy. I enjoy individual therapy too, but group therapy makes you realize you're not the only one. There's no groups around here that I know of. Perhaps I will look into that today.
Well, this has been productive, I now have a list of things to do today. Hopefully I will get it done.
I bought a puzzle in an attempt to give myself something to focus on. So far I've got some of the edge pieces together. I've been spending time on a forum called Crazy Boards. Here's a link to their site:
http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/
It helps me to feel not so alone when I read other people's experiences with depression. I pretty much am alone here, except Monty, so it's hard not to feel that way. They have a great thread about what makes you feel better when you're depressed and it reminded me that there are things I can do while I'm waiting for the meds to work. Now I've just got to convince myself to do them. I keep working myself up for exercise but I can't quite get over the edge to doing it. Maybe this afternoon... It doesn't help that the computer won't transfer to the TV. I used to put YouTube videos up and do them but now the computer won't cooperate.
I talked to my ex last night. He said that he misses me and that I need to come back to Cedar Rapids. It made me start thinking about what kind of life I have here. It's comfortable in that I don't have to worry that I don't have a computer or TV or car, I just have to work on getting them. It's lonely, however, in that I don't have much contact with anyone but my doctors, therapist, and Monty (and the cat). I wonder if it would be better for me to be somewhere I have contact with people more. But then I remember when I was in Cedar Rapids I didn't exactly let people in. Not to mention that I don't want anyone to see me like this, before I lose weight, especially my ex. Plus, I know Monty likes having me here, for the most part, and I don't want to upset him by leaving. Really, moving back isn't an option, no matter how much I wish it was. It's a "grass is greener" type thing.
I have also thought about getting my services back. I most likely won't because I don't want to admit that I was wrong about not needing them. It would be nice to have another standing appointment so I have some reason to get out of bed. I hope to get into a routine so that I do have a reason to get out of bed. I hope that routine will include exercise which leads to a shower every day. My hygiene tends to get a little lax when I am depressed, but if I'm all sweaty I won't have a choice. It's hard for me to write out a schedule because I don't know how the new medication is going to effect me. That's prolly just a well thought out excuse, but it's true. I should prolly just make a tentative schedule and try to stick to it. It would help if my motivation wasn't gone.
I wrote to my friend Nathan when my neuropathic pain was pretty bad and I haven't heard back. I wrote another letter that I'm going to send today. It's possible that he never got it or that he's just been too busy to write back. It just makes me worry about if I'm annoying him with my letters. I have an issue with thinking I'm annoying everyone and everyone hates me. I think it's part of my borderline personality disorder. I hate those thoughts because most of the time people's actions have nothing to do with me.
It's like when I was having trouble with the side effects of the Saphris (crashing in the morning) and Monty lashed out at me after a bad day at work. I automatically started thinking I had to move out of here, that he hated me. I felt like the worst person in the world. Then he apologized and explained he had had a bad day at work and I was better in an instant. BPD I think makes relationships harder than any of the symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder. The psychosis and severe mood changes come and go but my thought patterns are hard to identify and change.
I try to be aware of my thoughts in order to use my CBT skills to help change them, but it's not easy. Using positive self talk is hard to do when you are so convinced of something negative. I'm struggling with my being on disability and seeing no end to it. I feel like I've failed at everything I ever wanted to do. I try to reframe that thought into believing I can make new goals to achieve, but the thought that I failed is just so deep in there that it's hard to turn around. I miss CBT therapy because I really enjoy group therapy. I enjoy individual therapy too, but group therapy makes you realize you're not the only one. There's no groups around here that I know of. Perhaps I will look into that today.
Well, this has been productive, I now have a list of things to do today. Hopefully I will get it done.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Links, Worry, and Hope
I want to start with giving you the link to my new Google+ page for this blog. It's pretty bare right now but I will be updating it every time I have a blog post as well as posting things I find relevant to the audience of this blog, mostly mental health related stuff. What I put on the Facebook page will be the same as the Google+ page, but this will be easier for those of you who prefer Google+.
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/108763547821771847034/108763547821771847034/
I also want to draw your attention to the other links at the right side of your page. They are the pages I use regularly that I think people will find helpful. There are forums for people with mental illness, the links to my and the blog's Facebook pages, medication related websites, other blogs I enjoy, etc. If you let me know about your blog I will read it and possibly add it to the Recommended Links area of my page. I'm considering a revamp of this area to separate the links into categories but for now it is pretty easily accessible on the right side of the page.
Now to true blog business. I've been taking the Saphris for under a week with minimal side effects. My constant dry mouth is gone, my legs have stopped swelling, and the congestion is gone. The only side effects I've noticed are diminished appetite (yay!), restlessness after my morning dose, and that once I eat after my morning dose I crash for two or three hours. I called my doctor's office about the restlessness and they told me to take Benedryl, which kind of guarantees the whole crash thing. I basically have to plan my schedule to afternoons only because once I get up I go right back to sleep until at least noon. I have tried caffeine to no avail. I'm pretty ok with with the side effects after all of the other ones I've had to deal with. Not to mention that my psychotic symptoms are in check.
I am suffering from some depression which I'm not sure is my illness or situational. I get upset about how limited my life is and how limited of relationships I have. Other than my dad all my relationships are over Facebook or text messages. I daydream about going back to work or school, or basically anything that takes commitment. I worry that this is going to be my whole life and none of my goals will ever be accomplished. I worry I'll never own a house or make enough money to do anything. I worry that I'll never pay off my debts. I worry that this pain will never go away, although it has been better in the past few days. I also worry that I'm going to never lose the weight that I've gained because of the psychiatric medications. I don't feel comfortable making new relationships with my body the way it is. I want to feel better AND look better.
I hope that taking the Saphris will help me with all of these things. If it helps me to feel well enough I can start to do things again. But I also know that no medication has worked for me long term. All I can do is hope.
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/108763547821771847034/108763547821771847034/
I also want to draw your attention to the other links at the right side of your page. They are the pages I use regularly that I think people will find helpful. There are forums for people with mental illness, the links to my and the blog's Facebook pages, medication related websites, other blogs I enjoy, etc. If you let me know about your blog I will read it and possibly add it to the Recommended Links area of my page. I'm considering a revamp of this area to separate the links into categories but for now it is pretty easily accessible on the right side of the page.
Now to true blog business. I've been taking the Saphris for under a week with minimal side effects. My constant dry mouth is gone, my legs have stopped swelling, and the congestion is gone. The only side effects I've noticed are diminished appetite (yay!), restlessness after my morning dose, and that once I eat after my morning dose I crash for two or three hours. I called my doctor's office about the restlessness and they told me to take Benedryl, which kind of guarantees the whole crash thing. I basically have to plan my schedule to afternoons only because once I get up I go right back to sleep until at least noon. I have tried caffeine to no avail. I'm pretty ok with with the side effects after all of the other ones I've had to deal with. Not to mention that my psychotic symptoms are in check.
I am suffering from some depression which I'm not sure is my illness or situational. I get upset about how limited my life is and how limited of relationships I have. Other than my dad all my relationships are over Facebook or text messages. I daydream about going back to work or school, or basically anything that takes commitment. I worry that this is going to be my whole life and none of my goals will ever be accomplished. I worry I'll never own a house or make enough money to do anything. I worry that I'll never pay off my debts. I worry that this pain will never go away, although it has been better in the past few days. I also worry that I'm going to never lose the weight that I've gained because of the psychiatric medications. I don't feel comfortable making new relationships with my body the way it is. I want to feel better AND look better.
I hope that taking the Saphris will help me with all of these things. If it helps me to feel well enough I can start to do things again. But I also know that no medication has worked for me long term. All I can do is hope.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Struggling
After two weeks on the Fanapt, and my legs swelling, my gaining ten pounds, and congestion that ended in a sinus infection, I saw my psychiatrist and he switched me to Saphris. I've taken it before and hated it because it makes your mouth feel numb and it tastes bad (you put it under your tongue). But I've tried basically everything and Saphris is very similar to clozaril but with fewer side effects and no blood draw once a week, and we've been talking about trying clozaril for the last couple months.
I've been struggling with depression and irrational thoughts. A death wish has been creeping up on me. I feel scared whenever it's dark for no specific reason. The reviews I've read of Saphris say that most people were helped in these areas by taking it. We are not tapering on this one, just taking the normal dose. My psychiatrist said that because it is absorbed under your tongue it works pretty fast. I'm hoping it will also help with the pain, though I have no reason to believe it will.
When I saw my pain doctor last she said that my vitamin D level was low, but all of my other tests were normal. I'm taking a supplement to help make up the difference. There are studies that show that people with low vitamin D levels have chronic pain but they don't know what is causing it in most cases, as with mine. I've been taking a multivitamin but I guess that's not enough for me. I go back to see her next week.
I had the long awaited EMG test which showed no neuropathy or pinched nerve. It's frustrating because now no one seems to know what to do. I have a feeling the pain specialist will feel the same way. The doctor who did the test said it could be fibromyalgia. Something needs done because my back is getting worse and worse. I am so fed up with nothing being done that I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist in Iowa City. It's a long drive but I am already a patient there so it was the only place I could get into within a month. I see someone there October 4th.
I felt so sick that I left therapy early this week. My therapist is very understanding. She doesn't think I'm making up all these problems and tries to give me suggestions to help me get something done. Even though she's through Lutheran Family Services she never brings up religion because she knows I'm an atheist. It's nice.
I've been pretty irritable lately and I feel bad about it. I just haven't been feeling well so my patience has been pretty much non-existent. People have been pretty understanding, which is nice. I know I would have hated to put up with me.
It's nice and chilly out today. It's the kind of whether I love, cool enough to need a jacket but no so cold you need gloves. Maybe the perfect weather will help cheer me up. Nothing else seems to be.
Monday, September 3, 2012
New Meds
I talked in the prior posts about the neuropathic pain I've been having and how my doctors think it is related to my medication. My psychiatrist appointment finally came and he didn't say anything about the Latuda causing it, even though I had talked to his nurse about it the week before and she said that it was. I convinced him to change my medication and we decided to try Fanapt. I had never heard of it so I did searches for reviews from people who had taken it and they were mixed. The psychiatrist said they usually start you out on a titration pack but the company doesn't have any right now. I started taking half a 6 mg pill twice a day and today went up to a whole 6 mg pill twice a day.
So far I've had a lot of trouble feeling drowsy as well as having problems sleeping, dry mouth, congestion, and back pain. The back pain is different than the neuropathic pain I have (still). I also feel weak, but I'm not sure that is from the medication. I have been continually not doing much because of the pain and all of these side effects. It's frustrating. I did go to therapy last week.
I've been considering acupuncture treatments for the pain if changing my medication does not help. There is someone in town that does treatments for $15 per visit. I feel I've tried everything else.
I see the pain specialist this Tuesday, as well as my therapist. Hopefully the pain specialist will have some answers from the blood work she did last time. I got my EMG scheduled for Thursday by calling around and finding who could get me in the fastest. I have to go to Des Moines, but it's better than waiting longer when no one wants to do anything until they get the results. If the pain doesn't get better soon and the test shows I have neuropathy (and pretty much even if it doesn't) I would like to see a neurologist.
The problem with seeing any doctor right now is that we don't know what side effects the medication is causing and what is causing the pain. Hopefully I will level off soon with the Fanapt. I've been having problems with very irrational thoughts that I am unable to control since the med change. With me just changing to the higher dose today, I don't know yet if that will help. I guess we'll see.
So far I've had a lot of trouble feeling drowsy as well as having problems sleeping, dry mouth, congestion, and back pain. The back pain is different than the neuropathic pain I have (still). I also feel weak, but I'm not sure that is from the medication. I have been continually not doing much because of the pain and all of these side effects. It's frustrating. I did go to therapy last week.
I've been considering acupuncture treatments for the pain if changing my medication does not help. There is someone in town that does treatments for $15 per visit. I feel I've tried everything else.
I see the pain specialist this Tuesday, as well as my therapist. Hopefully the pain specialist will have some answers from the blood work she did last time. I got my EMG scheduled for Thursday by calling around and finding who could get me in the fastest. I have to go to Des Moines, but it's better than waiting longer when no one wants to do anything until they get the results. If the pain doesn't get better soon and the test shows I have neuropathy (and pretty much even if it doesn't) I would like to see a neurologist.
The problem with seeing any doctor right now is that we don't know what side effects the medication is causing and what is causing the pain. Hopefully I will level off soon with the Fanapt. I've been having problems with very irrational thoughts that I am unable to control since the med change. With me just changing to the higher dose today, I don't know yet if that will help. I guess we'll see.
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