Here I am, on my couch, just reflecting.
***Side Note***I don't care if it offends Christians not to say "Merry Christmas". Perhaps they should consider who they are leaving out before screaming they are being persecuted for their beliefs.
Anyway, a lot has happened since my last post. I start school at Coe College on January 12th. Orientation is the 9th. I am going to be taking a double major in account and business. The classes with both majors are so similar it's silly not to do them both. I know what you're thinking, what happened to pre-pharmacy? Well I'm running out of financial aid because of all the years I tried and could not succeed at school. In other words I've taken out as many loans as possible for an undergraduate degree. They are going to give me enough for five, maybe six, semesters if I help pay tuition with my PASS money. That is, of course, what it's for. That and other school expenses.
So here I am, in the big city of Cedar Rapids, getting ready for school to start. Today I spent Christmas with my grandparents and family. Then I went to my cousin's condo to bring her my grandpa's potato soup. She had been sick and is finally feeling better so I stayed and chatted. Wow did I need that. I can be honest with her. I can be myself.
I'm nearing 200 lbs and for a tiny 5'1" young (can I still say young?) woman that's way too much. I've been eating what I please with very little exercise. My back troubles me when I overwork it so I've been avoiding most things you would consider exercise. I have switched back to diet soda to lessen the calories I consume in a day. Next time I go grocery shopping I plan to get decent food. Which brings me to exercise. Well, my tv decided to go out and even though the manufacturer sent someone to fix it it was unfixable. Is that a word? The dictionary says no. That's ok, I'm using it anyway. So I want to do yoga (yoga that is safe for my back) again but I can't see the poses well enough on the computer screen (or maybe I'm using that as an excuse?) and I usually hook it up to the tv. The manufacturer is sending me a new tv as soon as I send the old one back when I get the box tomorrow. I'll start yoga when the new tv arrives.
My back has just started being sore all the time again because I fell down the stairs at my apartment. There was ice because our gutters leak. Water sits in them and drips for up to three days after it rains. There was no ice anywhere but our stairs. I called the property manager and the maintenance people but they have done nothing. My shoulder, hip, arm, and foot have been sore as well. All but my shoulder have beautiful bruises. I've been seeing the chiropractor and staying on top of taking my muscle relaxers. If things aren't better in a month I'll be getting another epidural.
My mental health has been in good condition thanks to my medication and family and no thanks to my new psychiatrist. He did nothing when I told him I hadn't been sleeping. I haven't seen him in awhile and not scheduled to see him in the future. I'm supposed to call in January to schedule. Luckily my family doctor changed my muscle relaxer and has me taking two at bedtime. Since then I've been sleeping well. I got a new family doctor because the one I was seeing tried to have me take NSAIDs with my lithium. Good thing I know better or I would have been one sick woman. Are you keeping up with all my changes? Who am I kidding, I can barely keep track!
So that's my life in a nutshell right now. Not too exciting but it is a life. There is life with mental illness. I wouldn't trade a day of my boring life for the way things used to be. Sure, I have my ups and downs, everyone does, but nothing like before I got my medication leveled out. I'd rather be me at 200 lbs than who I was at 160. Or 120. I can do this, even if I have to remind myself (or have someone remind me) every now and again.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Stress
I need someone to talk to and I'm turning to this blog out of desperation. No one is answering their phones and I'm feeling panicky. I applied and was accepted to an awesome four year school (Coe College). I was offered an impressive (to me) financial aid package including a large scholarship. All I can think about is if I'll be able to get through school, if I can actually do this. School doesn't even start until January 12th. That's a long time to be second guessing myself. I have a meeting on Monday with the registrar's assistant and one of the science professors to determine if I can meet my pre-pharmacy requirements and still graduate with a bachelor's degree in either biology, chemistry, or general science. I'd like to be able to get through with a bio or chem degree just because it looks better for pharmacy school. My financial aid package is good for two and half years, so five semesters. If I can get things wrapped up within that time frame it would be ideal.
The other thing I have to worry about is the PCAT, the standardized test that basically decides your future in pharmacy. I need to find out what subjects the test covers so that I can figure out when I will be ready to take it. If I won't be ready to take the PCAT until after I graduate then I will have to take a year off between Coe and pharmacy school. Normally students take their PCAT the summer after their junior year but because I haven't taken any of the classes for my major yet it's an open-ended question as to when I should take it.
Now for a reality check. I have to admit that I'm still fighting the feeling that I'm alone. My brother is always here so physically someone is always with me, but I still can't shake this feeling. I have no friends here but I hope to make some at school. School, however, is another month away. Maybe I feel empty, like I have no purpose, as I spend day after day wasting my time. I don't know what I feel but I don't like it. It's definitely resulting in anxiety that I'm having a difficult time handling. Ugh.
While I'm complaining I'd like to add in that my restless legs are driving me crazy. I've taken Requip and they just switched me to something else a few weeks ago. So far I am not impressed.
The other thing I have to worry about is the PCAT, the standardized test that basically decides your future in pharmacy. I need to find out what subjects the test covers so that I can figure out when I will be ready to take it. If I won't be ready to take the PCAT until after I graduate then I will have to take a year off between Coe and pharmacy school. Normally students take their PCAT the summer after their junior year but because I haven't taken any of the classes for my major yet it's an open-ended question as to when I should take it.
Now for a reality check. I have to admit that I'm still fighting the feeling that I'm alone. My brother is always here so physically someone is always with me, but I still can't shake this feeling. I have no friends here but I hope to make some at school. School, however, is another month away. Maybe I feel empty, like I have no purpose, as I spend day after day wasting my time. I don't know what I feel but I don't like it. It's definitely resulting in anxiety that I'm having a difficult time handling. Ugh.
While I'm complaining I'd like to add in that my restless legs are driving me crazy. I've taken Requip and they just switched me to something else a few weeks ago. So far I am not impressed.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Personal Relationships: Second Half of Entry as Promised
So I promised another section for my last blog entry and here it is. This is going to be about my friends and family so some names could be changed (or not) to keep them happy.
I had a relationship with this guy for a good amount of time, somewhere around a year. We'll call him Bert. Bert and I broke up because instead of telling me he wanted to spend more time with me at home he just didn't call me. I noticed I had always been calling him so I waited two days and no call from Bert, so I ended it. It sounds small but it felt really big at the time. He didn't argue with me he just said ok and we were over. I didn't really want the relationship to end but I didn't feel he was putting in his half of the bargain.
Fast forward a few years and Bert contacts me on fb, ends up telling me he still loved me and tried to explain away why he didn't fight for me. I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. He said that I was always at a friends house and he couldn't read my emotions. I simply said I expected him to be an adult and talk about what's bothering him. We talked for a few days but I got depressed and didn't keep up the "relationship".
Fast forward a year or so and I'm in the hospital, one where you can have your cell phone. I'm lonely so I text him and we talk for a little while then sext for awhile (no pics just texts) and then he just stops talking to me. He knew I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation.
Fast forward a year later (I know this should be over by now because who puts up with that but the story continues) he starts talking to me on fb again with all the I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry. We talk for about a week and he just stops talking to me. No explanation, just stops. No answering my text or calls, or anything.
A few days later I was in the city he lives in visiting family and I text him to let him know I was in town. Finally he wants to talk. He says he's been depressed and shut everyone, even his son, out. I believe him, go over to his place, we have sex twice. We talk and things seem great. I leave and the next day he stops talking to me again.
So that's the end of Bert. It hurt so much every time but love makes you do unbelievable things. I just want to help him through his hard times and then maybe these things wouldn't happen but I just have to give up for myself. I have to take care of myself. He hurts me so much. It's like he makes me think I'm not good enough for him even though I know that's not true. Sigh, such is life.
The other thing I wanted to write about is getting close with my cousin. This cousin of mine, Michelle, has been a huge help in getting to where I am mentally. She truly is one of my best friends. We can talk about anything and even though she's older than me it doesn't matter. We support each other and she even said we're more like sisters. She gave me a ton of clothes when she was cleaning out her closet. I'm so lucky to have someone like her. She is a positive person in my life. It sucks because she lives two hours away but I can always count on her to let me crash at her place if I need to come to town. Mwwuah, love you Michelle.
I had a relationship with this guy for a good amount of time, somewhere around a year. We'll call him Bert. Bert and I broke up because instead of telling me he wanted to spend more time with me at home he just didn't call me. I noticed I had always been calling him so I waited two days and no call from Bert, so I ended it. It sounds small but it felt really big at the time. He didn't argue with me he just said ok and we were over. I didn't really want the relationship to end but I didn't feel he was putting in his half of the bargain.
Fast forward a few years and Bert contacts me on fb, ends up telling me he still loved me and tried to explain away why he didn't fight for me. I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. He said that I was always at a friends house and he couldn't read my emotions. I simply said I expected him to be an adult and talk about what's bothering him. We talked for a few days but I got depressed and didn't keep up the "relationship".
Fast forward a year or so and I'm in the hospital, one where you can have your cell phone. I'm lonely so I text him and we talk for a little while then sext for awhile (no pics just texts) and then he just stops talking to me. He knew I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation.
Fast forward a year later (I know this should be over by now because who puts up with that but the story continues) he starts talking to me on fb again with all the I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry. We talk for about a week and he just stops talking to me. No explanation, just stops. No answering my text or calls, or anything.
A few days later I was in the city he lives in visiting family and I text him to let him know I was in town. Finally he wants to talk. He says he's been depressed and shut everyone, even his son, out. I believe him, go over to his place, we have sex twice. We talk and things seem great. I leave and the next day he stops talking to me again.
So that's the end of Bert. It hurt so much every time but love makes you do unbelievable things. I just want to help him through his hard times and then maybe these things wouldn't happen but I just have to give up for myself. I have to take care of myself. He hurts me so much. It's like he makes me think I'm not good enough for him even though I know that's not true. Sigh, such is life.
The other thing I wanted to write about is getting close with my cousin. This cousin of mine, Michelle, has been a huge help in getting to where I am mentally. She truly is one of my best friends. We can talk about anything and even though she's older than me it doesn't matter. We support each other and she even said we're more like sisters. She gave me a ton of clothes when she was cleaning out her closet. I'm so lucky to have someone like her. She is a positive person in my life. It sucks because she lives two hours away but I can always count on her to let me crash at her place if I need to come to town. Mwwuah, love you Michelle.
Why the f*@# haven't you been posting?
I have got to stop starting my entries with this but damn, it has been awhile. I've been busy, that's my excuse. I'm not going to check back over my past posts to see what I've already let you know about so just pipe down about me repeating myself (jk, no one complains about it).
So mental health wise I'm doing A+. I've had no psychosis for a few months now and only mild situational sadness when it comes to the depression wing. The mania wing has been stable as well. Why do I think everything is going so well? A combination of things; I'm getting out of the house (school), I'm getting some exercise (will elaborate later), and I think my meds are finally in a stable course. It also helps that I'm not in pain all the time which leads to me not always being in bed which leads to boredom which leads to me wanting to do something which led to school... It's a circular logic I think. Now if I could just drum myself up a social life I would be more than content.
About the exercise, I may have mentioned before but they diagnosed me with fibromyalgia which is widespread nerve pain. I spent a lot of time in bed because that's where my body hurt the least. I'm not saying every little crevice hurt but my legs, back, and shoulders ached to the point that all I cared about was laying down. So I did what everyone who is in long-term pain should do, I went to the doctor. She gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me to physical therapy (again). I was willing to try because, well, it couldn't hurt, right? When I finished PT and I was still in pain I went back to the doctor and she did the fibromyalgia "test" where they push on pressure points to see if they hurt. Some test, huh? Anyway, she said she thought it was fibromyalgia type pain and I scheduled with my pain specialist who agreed. After the pressure point test they put me on Lyrica and let me tell you it is amazing. I'm not saying there's no pain but I'm out of bed typing this.
Oh yeah, about the exercise... Between me seeing my family doctor and my pain specialist they referred me for warm water therapy. It's normal PT exercises in a pool that is kept at 88 degrees. It's one on one with a therapist (mine were awesome) and they explain to you about how the therapy works and everyday tips for people with fibromyalgia. The therapy wears you out and can make you sore but you just work with your therapist about it. It was a great experience. Now that I'm finished I'm going to do my exercises at a warm pool in town one day a week because it's $5 each visit.
Like I mentioned, I'm going to school. Like I haven't mentioned, I'm going full time. I'm taking Intermediate Word (1 credit hour), Gen Biology 1 (4 ch), Gen Chemistry 1 (4 ch), and Intro to Religion (3 ch). I'm doing well, not fantabulous, but well. It's the beginning of the semester still and I have time to build up to the straight As I need for pharmacy school. I know I can do it. But I love college. Everyone minds their own business and people are helpful and nice, and I could go on. They give you what you need to learn and it's all on you if you fail and I love that.
Kitty has a sore and I'm not sure where it came from because she hasn't been around other kitties to fight with. I think she's going to have to go to the vet and get the cone of shame because she won't leave it alone.
The rest of my update needs a blog space to itself so I'll stop here.
So mental health wise I'm doing A+. I've had no psychosis for a few months now and only mild situational sadness when it comes to the depression wing. The mania wing has been stable as well. Why do I think everything is going so well? A combination of things; I'm getting out of the house (school), I'm getting some exercise (will elaborate later), and I think my meds are finally in a stable course. It also helps that I'm not in pain all the time which leads to me not always being in bed which leads to boredom which leads to me wanting to do something which led to school... It's a circular logic I think. Now if I could just drum myself up a social life I would be more than content.
About the exercise, I may have mentioned before but they diagnosed me with fibromyalgia which is widespread nerve pain. I spent a lot of time in bed because that's where my body hurt the least. I'm not saying every little crevice hurt but my legs, back, and shoulders ached to the point that all I cared about was laying down. So I did what everyone who is in long-term pain should do, I went to the doctor. She gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me to physical therapy (again). I was willing to try because, well, it couldn't hurt, right? When I finished PT and I was still in pain I went back to the doctor and she did the fibromyalgia "test" where they push on pressure points to see if they hurt. Some test, huh? Anyway, she said she thought it was fibromyalgia type pain and I scheduled with my pain specialist who agreed. After the pressure point test they put me on Lyrica and let me tell you it is amazing. I'm not saying there's no pain but I'm out of bed typing this.
Oh yeah, about the exercise... Between me seeing my family doctor and my pain specialist they referred me for warm water therapy. It's normal PT exercises in a pool that is kept at 88 degrees. It's one on one with a therapist (mine were awesome) and they explain to you about how the therapy works and everyday tips for people with fibromyalgia. The therapy wears you out and can make you sore but you just work with your therapist about it. It was a great experience. Now that I'm finished I'm going to do my exercises at a warm pool in town one day a week because it's $5 each visit.
Like I mentioned, I'm going to school. Like I haven't mentioned, I'm going full time. I'm taking Intermediate Word (1 credit hour), Gen Biology 1 (4 ch), Gen Chemistry 1 (4 ch), and Intro to Religion (3 ch). I'm doing well, not fantabulous, but well. It's the beginning of the semester still and I have time to build up to the straight As I need for pharmacy school. I know I can do it. But I love college. Everyone minds their own business and people are helpful and nice, and I could go on. They give you what you need to learn and it's all on you if you fail and I love that.
Kitty has a sore and I'm not sure where it came from because she hasn't been around other kitties to fight with. I think she's going to have to go to the vet and get the cone of shame because she won't leave it alone.
The rest of my update needs a blog space to itself so I'll stop here.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
News
So I've been in Public Speaking class for two and half weeks now and I think it's really helping my confidence. So far I'm getting an A in the class and received an A on my first speech. I did my second speech today and I rocked it so I'm expecting another A there. I don't want to be cocky but I'm expecting to end the class with an A. There isn't much group work in my class so I'm not doing a ton of social interacting but I think I would be ok if I had to.
Fall semester I have Chemistry I, Biology I, Intro to Religion (which is online), and Intermediate Word. Technically all I need for my AA degree is the Intro to Religion. I'm taking Intermediate Word for personal interest and to round off my credit hours so I'm full time for financial aid. Chem and Bio I need to get into pharmacy school. Including fall semester I need two more years of schooling to apply for pharmacy school. If I get into the University of Iowa's Pharmacy College their job placement is at 100%. I'm not sure if I'm ready for all of this but I'm taking it one step at a time.
Did I mention I love college? No one cares that I'm 27 and going to a community college. No one cares that this is my seventh major. No one cares if I wake up late and rush out the door without a shower (as long as I'm on time). No one cares that I haven't worked in five years. People are just trying to pass the class. My professor really wants us to succeed in the class. I realize that that may not happen with my future professors but it's awesome for now.
I somehow managed to get a corneal abrasion (cut on my eye). It hurt bad so I had the eye doc squeeze me in between appointments. He gave me some eye drops but said that it would heal on it's own. I just have to wear my glasses for a few days and throw out my contacts.
As for my mental health, everything is going well. I haven't been depressed or manic in a few weeks. I've been pretty even. And as for my physical health, well, I hurt. I do warm water therapy by myself every Wednesday. I'm done with physical therapy, I just do my exercises at home now. I've switched from Diet Dr. Pepper all day to water. That's really all that's new.
Fall semester I have Chemistry I, Biology I, Intro to Religion (which is online), and Intermediate Word. Technically all I need for my AA degree is the Intro to Religion. I'm taking Intermediate Word for personal interest and to round off my credit hours so I'm full time for financial aid. Chem and Bio I need to get into pharmacy school. Including fall semester I need two more years of schooling to apply for pharmacy school. If I get into the University of Iowa's Pharmacy College their job placement is at 100%. I'm not sure if I'm ready for all of this but I'm taking it one step at a time.
Did I mention I love college? No one cares that I'm 27 and going to a community college. No one cares that this is my seventh major. No one cares if I wake up late and rush out the door without a shower (as long as I'm on time). No one cares that I haven't worked in five years. People are just trying to pass the class. My professor really wants us to succeed in the class. I realize that that may not happen with my future professors but it's awesome for now.
I somehow managed to get a corneal abrasion (cut on my eye). It hurt bad so I had the eye doc squeeze me in between appointments. He gave me some eye drops but said that it would heal on it's own. I just have to wear my glasses for a few days and throw out my contacts.
As for my mental health, everything is going well. I haven't been depressed or manic in a few weeks. I've been pretty even. And as for my physical health, well, I hurt. I do warm water therapy by myself every Wednesday. I'm done with physical therapy, I just do my exercises at home now. I've switched from Diet Dr. Pepper all day to water. That's really all that's new.
Monday, June 30, 2014
School, Pain, and Life
I thought I'd write a little update today about my feels and such. I'm not sure if I've blogged this yet (and I'm too lazy to go back and check) but I enrolled in classes. That's right: I'm going back to school at a local community college. I'm taking Public Speaking for a month starting next week. I'm taking four classes in the fall. My major is (dun da na na) Pre-Pharmacy. Medication (for obvious reasons) is a big interest of mine and I can't be a doctor so I might as well know what there is to know about what I (and others) am putting in my body.
I have two years of coursework before I can take the PCAT and apply to the College of Pharmacy. By then I think I will know if I can handle moving away and keep up with PharmD program and if I want to do research or consumer work. Of course if I do decide I can handle it I have to be one out of 100ish that gets selected from a pool of over 500 students. The good news is that if I make it through the College of Pharmacy that their placement rate has been around 100% for years. That's right: I will have a job. If I'm not accepted right away I can still transfer to the university and get a bachelors degree in something related, like biochemistry, and try again in two years.
All of this is scary because I'm afraid I'll lose my mind and quit school yet again. I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time but time is moving so slowly. If I'm going to fail I want to go ahead and do it already. I can't lay here forever waiting for something to fall in my lap anymore. I'm 27 years old. I mean, come on, I'M 27 YEARS OLD. But, as I keep reminding myself, I can't compare myself to what I thought I would have done by now because I'm not the person I thought I would be. I just know I have to start moving toward a goal again or I will end up in placement again and I can't handle that.
While I'm trying to wrap my head around school and moving when I finish my degree and financial aid...well, you get the picture...I'm having problems with pain again. My legs, back, shoulders, and hands hurt inexplicably. I'm taking muscle relaxers 24/7 and it's helping. I'm trying to get into habits my doctor recommended that usually help people with fibromyalgia; healthy diet, exercise 20 minutes a day, go back to physical therapy, and do warm water therapy. I have physical therapy tomorrow and they should give me the exercises for warm water therapy and the rest, well, I'm working on it. Being in pain all the time doesn't help my moods and I've been rapid cycling like crazy. Two separate nights last week I stayed up all night long doing nothing.
My dad's six month cancer check up came out great, no signs of cancer. Unfortunately his father is dying of lung cancer. My brother is having a hard time because he and is girlfriend just broke up and he's not able to see her son. He also has nowhere to live but just started a new job and he is optimistic he will on his feet again soon.
That is my life right now. Updates soon to follow.
I have two years of coursework before I can take the PCAT and apply to the College of Pharmacy. By then I think I will know if I can handle moving away and keep up with PharmD program and if I want to do research or consumer work. Of course if I do decide I can handle it I have to be one out of 100ish that gets selected from a pool of over 500 students. The good news is that if I make it through the College of Pharmacy that their placement rate has been around 100% for years. That's right: I will have a job. If I'm not accepted right away I can still transfer to the university and get a bachelors degree in something related, like biochemistry, and try again in two years.
All of this is scary because I'm afraid I'll lose my mind and quit school yet again. I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time but time is moving so slowly. If I'm going to fail I want to go ahead and do it already. I can't lay here forever waiting for something to fall in my lap anymore. I'm 27 years old. I mean, come on, I'M 27 YEARS OLD. But, as I keep reminding myself, I can't compare myself to what I thought I would have done by now because I'm not the person I thought I would be. I just know I have to start moving toward a goal again or I will end up in placement again and I can't handle that.
While I'm trying to wrap my head around school and moving when I finish my degree and financial aid...well, you get the picture...I'm having problems with pain again. My legs, back, shoulders, and hands hurt inexplicably. I'm taking muscle relaxers 24/7 and it's helping. I'm trying to get into habits my doctor recommended that usually help people with fibromyalgia; healthy diet, exercise 20 minutes a day, go back to physical therapy, and do warm water therapy. I have physical therapy tomorrow and they should give me the exercises for warm water therapy and the rest, well, I'm working on it. Being in pain all the time doesn't help my moods and I've been rapid cycling like crazy. Two separate nights last week I stayed up all night long doing nothing.
My dad's six month cancer check up came out great, no signs of cancer. Unfortunately his father is dying of lung cancer. My brother is having a hard time because he and is girlfriend just broke up and he's not able to see her son. He also has nowhere to live but just started a new job and he is optimistic he will on his feet again soon.
That is my life right now. Updates soon to follow.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
A Very Late Update
Anyone keeping track has noticed I haven't posted in quite awhile. Depression and pain had taken over and still linger. I hurt my back doing god knows what and one of my medications is giving restless let syndrome 24/7. I've been going to physical therapy which has helped my back and I'm taking some medication for my legs. Neither have helped 100% so I tend to spend some time in bed during the day. I've taken up watching TV in the mean time which is by no means entertaining. We don't have cable, just an antenna.
With all this idle time I've come to loathe my life. I rarely leave the house and when I do it's just for a short time. My future looks like more of the same. Commercials on TV about college and jobs are tempting but then I have to step back and remind myself that I can barely get off the damn couch for more than a few hours at a time. Still, I can't go on living this way with no plans for the future. I applied at a nearby community college for fall semester. The question will be is if I can get any financial aid after doing a medical withdraw so many times. Without financial aid it would take me a few months to save up what I need for a class. It does bring me down, however, how much financial aid I owe already. It's about $25,000. Still, to get where I want to go I need more schooling and if I fail,....well I fail. I've done it enough times already so I should be able to handle it. I'm 27 years old with no future, no friends, and no life and no one can change any of that but me.
I'd like to be a pharmacist. It would mean I'm a specialist in something...anything. I've been encouraged in the past to look into pharmacology simply because I understood my medications and medications I had taken well. Either way, medication fascinates me in how it actually works (which no one ever tells you). From what I understand I need a BA in biochemistry with more schooling to follow and this community college offers a pre-pharmacist program.
It's been almost ten years since I've been in school and I know that things have changed. I'm scared because I'll likely be the oldest student there, though no one will prolly tell because of my young appearance. I'll be going in practically a freshmen even though I have prior credits. Because it's been so long I'm not sure that they will even use my credits. I have lots of phone calls to make between my crappy TV shows and soft bed. Wish me luck.
With all this idle time I've come to loathe my life. I rarely leave the house and when I do it's just for a short time. My future looks like more of the same. Commercials on TV about college and jobs are tempting but then I have to step back and remind myself that I can barely get off the damn couch for more than a few hours at a time. Still, I can't go on living this way with no plans for the future. I applied at a nearby community college for fall semester. The question will be is if I can get any financial aid after doing a medical withdraw so many times. Without financial aid it would take me a few months to save up what I need for a class. It does bring me down, however, how much financial aid I owe already. It's about $25,000. Still, to get where I want to go I need more schooling and if I fail,....well I fail. I've done it enough times already so I should be able to handle it. I'm 27 years old with no future, no friends, and no life and no one can change any of that but me.
I'd like to be a pharmacist. It would mean I'm a specialist in something...anything. I've been encouraged in the past to look into pharmacology simply because I understood my medications and medications I had taken well. Either way, medication fascinates me in how it actually works (which no one ever tells you). From what I understand I need a BA in biochemistry with more schooling to follow and this community college offers a pre-pharmacist program.
It's been almost ten years since I've been in school and I know that things have changed. I'm scared because I'll likely be the oldest student there, though no one will prolly tell because of my young appearance. I'll be going in practically a freshmen even though I have prior credits. Because it's been so long I'm not sure that they will even use my credits. I have lots of phone calls to make between my crappy TV shows and soft bed. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
My dearest readers...
My depression is not your depression. Your depression is not my depression. My psychotic symptoms are not your psychotic symptoms and your psychotic symptoms are not mine. I think people forget this when giving advice because they're "been there". You have not "been there" because you are not me. I'm tired of the lectures about using my coping skills especially from people who don't even what they are. My coping skills are different than yours. I don't judge you by the way you handle the complications of your disease. Ok, lecture over...
I'm having trouble with my medication and side effects. My legs keep moving and they hurt. Right now I'm not on an antipsychotic so we can see if that particular med is causing the problem. Sometimes you just have to ride it out until we figure out what the hell is going on, not to mention what the hell to do.
I know it's been a really long time since a post and I can only say that I didn't feel like writing. For an update: I went into the hospital for two days and they lowered my dosages. I went to visit my grandma in the hospital and ended up with the flu for my birthday. Yay 27! Not really. Who really cares if you're 27? I'm not saying no one called or anything I'm just saying it's an uneventful point in (my) life. But back on topic... I got two tattoos; a pink and a blue teardrop behind my ear for the children I can't have, and the words "me too" on just below my collar bone as a reminder that we are not alone. No one really knows how you feel but there are other people struggling for sure and when people are having a hard time "me too" can go a long way. I can't wait to get another tattoo. My mom had her gallbladder taken out so I went and stayed with her a couple of days. She's scheduled for two more unrelated surgeries soon so I'll be back at her place soon. I think that sums it up.
I'm lonely, no doubt due to the depression that's eating at me. Spending a week and a half in bed when I have the flu really hit me hard. No social interaction, staying inside (not that I normally go outside much) and just feeling god awful. I've continuing to spend time in bed partially because of the depression and partially because my legs hurt. I have to keep reminding myself the analogy he tells me, that mental health is like turning a big truck, it's a slow process. I think everyone who has ever had a mental issue knows it's true. You're always waiting for something; your psychiatrist to call you back, your meds to start working, you therapist to schedule with you. I know I've said this before but I feel like I'm treading water and my arms are starting get tired.
I'm having trouble with my medication and side effects. My legs keep moving and they hurt. Right now I'm not on an antipsychotic so we can see if that particular med is causing the problem. Sometimes you just have to ride it out until we figure out what the hell is going on, not to mention what the hell to do.
I know it's been a really long time since a post and I can only say that I didn't feel like writing. For an update: I went into the hospital for two days and they lowered my dosages. I went to visit my grandma in the hospital and ended up with the flu for my birthday. Yay 27! Not really. Who really cares if you're 27? I'm not saying no one called or anything I'm just saying it's an uneventful point in (my) life. But back on topic... I got two tattoos; a pink and a blue teardrop behind my ear for the children I can't have, and the words "me too" on just below my collar bone as a reminder that we are not alone. No one really knows how you feel but there are other people struggling for sure and when people are having a hard time "me too" can go a long way. I can't wait to get another tattoo. My mom had her gallbladder taken out so I went and stayed with her a couple of days. She's scheduled for two more unrelated surgeries soon so I'll be back at her place soon. I think that sums it up.
I'm lonely, no doubt due to the depression that's eating at me. Spending a week and a half in bed when I have the flu really hit me hard. No social interaction, staying inside (not that I normally go outside much) and just feeling god awful. I've continuing to spend time in bed partially because of the depression and partially because my legs hurt. I have to keep reminding myself the analogy he tells me, that mental health is like turning a big truck, it's a slow process. I think everyone who has ever had a mental issue knows it's true. You're always waiting for something; your psychiatrist to call you back, your meds to start working, you therapist to schedule with you. I know I've said this before but I feel like I'm treading water and my arms are starting get tired.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Why can't I be that simple?
I'm sitting here next to my cat "Kitty" AKA "Chub B. Kins" who has her own chair. On it is a heating pad and it's turned on right now. Now the point of the chair and the heating bad is to prevent her from getting on my computer and she's close enough for me to pet. But to the real issue, she is perfectly happy laying there on her heating pad. It doesn't take fancy toys to entertain her. Why can't my life be that simple? Why can't I just turn on a heating pad and be perfectly happy?
Yes, I know I'm whining, and yes, I know that humans are more complex and have different needs. I guess I just wish that something could pull me out of this depression, like my own little heating pad that would make me content with the way things are. I guess I will have to accept the pills and the coping skills that I'm dealt.
I saw my psychiatrist today and he decided it was best to take me off of the nortriptyline which has been making me foggy to say the least. I haven't been able to think straight or remember things. I ask stupid questions and repeat things. I have even sat there and wondered if this is how stupid people feel. It's not a nice thing to say but there, I said it. I left my purse in a cart outside the grocery store and didn't realize it until I got home. Luckily a very kind person turned it in and nothing was missing (including cash). I feel like my brain took a vacation.
My psychiatrist put me back on venlafaxine (Effexor) to replace the nortriptyline. My neurologist is the one who put me on nortriptyline. Because Effexor and nortriptyline are both antidepressants my psychiatrist just increased the dose my neurologist put me on to manage both depression and migraines. Now I can't seem to get my neurologist to answer my calls to find out what he wants me to do for migraines. It's frustrating.
With all this going on it would be nice to go see my family like I usually do each month but my finances simply won't allow it. My (27th) birthday is the first of February and I might be able to move things around and spend my birthday there with my family. I don't want to feel tempted to over-drink and have a repeat of Halloween. And I don't want to be sitting here at the computer. Perhaps my dad and I will go out to dinner. I don't know, I'm rambling. I'll stop there.
Yes, I know I'm whining, and yes, I know that humans are more complex and have different needs. I guess I just wish that something could pull me out of this depression, like my own little heating pad that would make me content with the way things are. I guess I will have to accept the pills and the coping skills that I'm dealt.
I saw my psychiatrist today and he decided it was best to take me off of the nortriptyline which has been making me foggy to say the least. I haven't been able to think straight or remember things. I ask stupid questions and repeat things. I have even sat there and wondered if this is how stupid people feel. It's not a nice thing to say but there, I said it. I left my purse in a cart outside the grocery store and didn't realize it until I got home. Luckily a very kind person turned it in and nothing was missing (including cash). I feel like my brain took a vacation.
My psychiatrist put me back on venlafaxine (Effexor) to replace the nortriptyline. My neurologist is the one who put me on nortriptyline. Because Effexor and nortriptyline are both antidepressants my psychiatrist just increased the dose my neurologist put me on to manage both depression and migraines. Now I can't seem to get my neurologist to answer my calls to find out what he wants me to do for migraines. It's frustrating.
With all this going on it would be nice to go see my family like I usually do each month but my finances simply won't allow it. My (27th) birthday is the first of February and I might be able to move things around and spend my birthday there with my family. I don't want to feel tempted to over-drink and have a repeat of Halloween. And I don't want to be sitting here at the computer. Perhaps my dad and I will go out to dinner. I don't know, I'm rambling. I'll stop there.
Friday, January 3, 2014
"This Is Not A Sad Poem"
I am too depressed to write anything of real substance but
here is a great poem, "This Is Not A Sad Poem" (link to owner's blog
at the end).
"This is not meant to be a sob story.
This is a poem to make you understand.
In the past year alone,
I have attempted suicide 4 times.
In the past year,
the police have come to my house 2 times.
In the past year I ran out of resources
and had to check myself into a treatment center.
I have attempted suicide 4 times.
In the past year,
the police have come to my house 2 times.
In the past year I ran out of resources
and had to check myself into a treatment center.
In the treatment center,
there was a girl who had
welts on her arm deeper than mine.
It looked like she had
punched her fist through
a glass window
the way life had punched
the life out of her.
there was a girl who had
welts on her arm deeper than mine.
It looked like she had
punched her fist through
a glass window
the way life had punched
the life out of her.
In the treatment center
there was a girl who had hallucinations
about a man standing in the corner
that terrified her so much
that she couldn’t stand still.
there was a girl who had hallucinations
about a man standing in the corner
that terrified her so much
that she couldn’t stand still.
In the year before the last one,
I had two suicide attempts.
I was checked into an ER for my overdose
then a psychiatric hospital.
I had two suicide attempts.
I was checked into an ER for my overdose
then a psychiatric hospital.
This is a poem about all the people
who have been bounced back to a hospital
every time they thought they got their life back together
only to let their mental illness catch them off guard again.
who have been bounced back to a hospital
every time they thought they got their life back together
only to let their mental illness catch them off guard again.
This is a poem for all the people
who are so weak that they
cannot stand on their own.
who are so weak that they
cannot stand on their own.
This is a poem for the people
whose eating disorders are so strong
that they will refuse food
even when they weigh 70 pounds
and are forced by hospital staff
to be fed by a tube.
whose eating disorders are so strong
that they will refuse food
even when they weigh 70 pounds
and are forced by hospital staff
to be fed by a tube.
This is a poem for the people
who have more hospital bracelets
than they do friends.
who have more hospital bracelets
than they do friends.
This is a poem about
how I have to take 8 pills a day
to function somewhat normally.
how I have to take 8 pills a day
to function somewhat normally.
This is a poem about how I had
to drop out of public school
because my mental illness
has interfered with my eating,
my breathing, my sleeping,
and my ability to live.
to drop out of public school
because my mental illness
has interfered with my eating,
my breathing, my sleeping,
and my ability to live.
This is a poem about
how I cannot count the number of people
who have told me they wanted to die
on two hands.
how I cannot count the number of people
who have told me they wanted to die
on two hands.
This is a poem about the 400,000
emergency room visits
for self inflicted injury in 2001.
emergency room visits
for self inflicted injury in 2001.
This is a poem for the 30,622
people who committed suicide in 2001.
people who committed suicide in 2001.
This is a poem for everybody with a mental illness
who is more scared of being judged
than they are of death.
who is more scared of being judged
than they are of death.
This is a poem for everybody who
has wanted to bleed away their pain.
This is a poem for everyone
that wanted to disappear,
hoping that if they shot themselves,
if they crashed their car,
that if they jumped off the roof of a building,
that they might shatter.
has wanted to bleed away their pain.
This is a poem for everyone
that wanted to disappear,
hoping that if they shot themselves,
if they crashed their car,
that if they jumped off the roof of a building,
that they might shatter.
This is a poem for everyone
who has tried to choke the pain
out of their life.
This is a poem for everyone who hoped
that an overdose would be a peaceful death.
who has tried to choke the pain
out of their life.
This is a poem for everyone who hoped
that an overdose would be a peaceful death.
This is a fuck you to every hallucination,
every manic episode, every depressive episode,
every flashback, every panic attack, every nightmare,
every suicide attempt, every hospital visit,
every purge, every laxative, every crash diet,
every single doctor that told you you were doing it for attention,
every single bully that didn’t know what they were driving you to,
every family member that ever looked at you like you were a freak,
everybody that ever told you to “get over it”,
everybody who told you that you were faking it.
Everybody who ever told you that it wasn’t a big deal.
every manic episode, every depressive episode,
every flashback, every panic attack, every nightmare,
every suicide attempt, every hospital visit,
every purge, every laxative, every crash diet,
every single doctor that told you you were doing it for attention,
every single bully that didn’t know what they were driving you to,
every family member that ever looked at you like you were a freak,
everybody that ever told you to “get over it”,
everybody who told you that you were faking it.
Everybody who ever told you that it wasn’t a big deal.
Would you still be saying the same thing at our funerals?
Do us all a favor and tell us how beautiful
we “were” while we’re still alive.
How beautiful we are .
Do us all a favor and tell us how beautiful
we “were” while we’re still alive.
How beautiful we are .
This is a poem for everyone who ever thought
the world would be better off without them.
This is poem for everyone who ever needed
somebody to just listen without judging.
This is a poem for everyone who just needs someone
to care or believe in them.
the world would be better off without them.
This is poem for everyone who ever needed
somebody to just listen without judging.
This is a poem for everyone who just needs someone
to care or believe in them.
This is not meant to be a sad poem.
This is not a poem about overexaggeration.
It is a poem about reality.
It is a poem to finally make you understand.
This is not a poem about overexaggeration.
It is a poem about reality.
It is a poem to finally make you understand.
We are more than statistics.
We are stories."
We are stories."
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