*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.

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Thursday, September 18, 2014

Personal Relationships: Second Half of Entry as Promised

So I promised another section for my last blog entry and here it is.  This is going to be about my friends and family so some names could be changed (or not) to keep them happy.

I had a relationship with this guy for a good amount of time, somewhere around a year.  We'll call him Bert.  Bert and I broke up because instead of telling me he wanted to spend more time with me at home he just didn't call me.  I noticed I had always been calling him so I waited two days and no call from Bert, so I ended it.  It sounds small but it felt really big at the time.  He didn't argue with me he just said ok and we were over.  I didn't really want the relationship to end but I didn't feel he was putting in his half of the bargain.

Fast forward a few years and Bert contacts me on fb, ends up telling me he still loved me and tried to explain away why he didn't fight for me.  I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.  He said that I was always at a friends house and he couldn't read my emotions.  I simply said I expected him to be an adult and talk about what's bothering him.  We talked for a few days but I got depressed and didn't keep up the "relationship".

Fast forward a year or so and I'm in the hospital, one where you can have your cell phone.  I'm lonely so I text him and we talk for a little while then sext for awhile (no pics just texts) and then he just stops talking to me.  He knew I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation.

Fast forward a year later (I know this should be over by now because who puts up with that but the story continues) he starts talking to me on fb again with all the I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry.  We talk for about a week and he just stops talking to me.  No explanation, just stops.  No answering my text or calls, or anything.

A few days later I was in the city he lives in visiting family and I text him to let him know I was in town.  Finally he wants to talk.  He says he's been depressed and shut everyone, even his son, out.  I believe him, go over to his place, we have sex twice.  We talk and things seem great.  I leave and the next day he stops talking to me again.

So that's the end of Bert.  It hurt so much every time but love makes you do unbelievable things.  I just want to help him through his hard times and then maybe these things wouldn't happen but I just have to give up for myself.  I have to take care of myself.  He hurts me so much.  It's like he makes me think I'm not good enough for him even though I know that's not true.  Sigh, such is life.

The other thing I wanted to write about is getting close with my cousin.  This cousin of mine, Michelle, has been a huge help in getting to where I am mentally.  She truly is one of my best friends.  We can talk about anything and even though she's older than me it doesn't matter.  We support each other and she even said we're more like sisters.  She gave me a ton of clothes when she was cleaning out her closet.  I'm so lucky to have someone like her.  She is a positive person in my life.  It sucks because she lives two hours away but I can always count on her to let me crash at her place if I need to come to town.  Mwwuah, love you Michelle.

Why the f*@# haven't you been posting?

I have got to stop starting my entries with this but damn, it has been awhile.  I've been busy, that's my excuse.  I'm not going to check back over my past posts to see what I've already let you know about so just pipe down about me repeating myself (jk, no one complains about it).

So mental health wise I'm doing A+.  I've had no psychosis for a few months now and only mild situational sadness when it comes to the depression wing.  The mania wing has been stable as well.  Why do I think everything is going so well?  A combination of things; I'm getting out of the house (school), I'm getting some exercise (will elaborate later), and I think my meds are finally in a stable course.  It also helps that I'm not in pain all the time which leads to me not always being in bed which leads to boredom which leads to me wanting to do something which led to school...  It's a circular logic I think.  Now if I could just drum myself up a social life I would be more than content.

About the exercise, I may have mentioned before but they diagnosed me with fibromyalgia which is widespread nerve pain.  I spent a lot of time in bed because that's where my body hurt the least.  I'm not saying every little crevice hurt but my legs, back, and shoulders ached to the point that all I cared about was laying down.  So I did what everyone who is in long-term pain should do, I went to the doctor.  She gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me to physical therapy (again).  I was willing to try because, well, it couldn't hurt, right?  When I finished PT and I was still in pain I went back to the doctor and she did the fibromyalgia "test" where they push on pressure points to see if they hurt.  Some test, huh?  Anyway, she said she thought it was fibromyalgia type pain and I scheduled with my pain specialist who agreed.  After the pressure point test they put me on Lyrica and let me tell you it is amazing.  I'm not saying there's no pain but I'm out of bed typing this.

Oh yeah, about the exercise...  Between me seeing my family doctor and my pain specialist they referred me for warm water therapy.  It's normal PT exercises in a pool that is kept at 88 degrees.  It's one on one with a therapist (mine were awesome) and they explain to you about how the therapy works and everyday tips for people with fibromyalgia.  The therapy wears you out and can make you sore but you just work with your therapist about it.  It was a great experience.  Now that I'm finished I'm going to do my exercises at a warm pool in town one day a week because it's $5 each visit.

Like I mentioned, I'm going to school.  Like I haven't mentioned, I'm going full time.  I'm taking Intermediate Word (1 credit hour), Gen Biology 1 (4 ch), Gen Chemistry 1 (4 ch), and Intro to Religion (3 ch).  I'm doing well, not fantabulous, but well.  It's the beginning of the semester still and I have time to build up to the straight As I need for pharmacy school.  I know I can do it.  But I love college.  Everyone minds their own business and people are helpful and nice, and I could go on.  They give you what you need to learn and it's all on you if you fail and I love that.

Kitty has a sore and I'm not sure where it came from because she hasn't been around other kitties to fight with.  I think she's going to have to go to the vet and get the cone of shame because she won't leave it alone.

The rest of my update needs a blog space to itself so I'll stop here.